
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/1567865.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      Other
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling
  Character:
      Harry_Potter, Ron_Weasley, Voldemort
  Additional Tags:
      Masturbation, sex_spells, Underage_Sex, Merry_Month_of_Masturbation
      Challenge, Humor
  Collections:
      Merry_Month_of_Masturbation_2014
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-05-04 Words: 1047
****** Harry Potter and the Dead Useful Wank ******
by Caro_Dee_(Caro_Dee)
Summary
     "Harry, mate, you gotta see this," Ron whispered.
     "What is it?" Harry asked and opened it to the title page. Samuel
     Sillibender's Sex Spells for Young Wizards. He gaped at Ron. "Where
     did you get this?"
For once the twins' security measures had failed because Ron had got his hands
on it and was willing to share with his best friend.
Sitting down next to Harry on his bed and casting a wary glance over at their
roommates to make sure no one was paying attention, Ron surreptitiously handed
a small, black book over.
"Harry, mate, you gotta see this," Ron whispered.
"What is it?" Harry asked and opened it to the title page. Samuel Sillibender's
Sex Spells for Young Wizards. He gaped at Ron. "Where did you get this?"
"Nicked it from under Fred's bed yesterday. They only had a Notice Me Not spell
and four prank traps on it. Pfft!" Ron waved away the difficulty. "I've been
getting past that much since third year. Anyway, I already tried a few spells
and they were brilliant! You should try some."
Harry turned a brilliant red and tried to give the book back. "No, really, Ron.
I don't think..."
Ron took the book, turned to certain page, and held it in front of Harry's
face. "Look at this one. Homoradix gluttio lets you suck your own cock." He
waggled his eyebrows. "Or how about this one?" He flipped a few pages. "Imago
nudus. Pair it with a name and you can see the person all naked and everything
while you wank."
Ron's expression was a little dreamy and Harry narrowed his eyes. "So whose
name did you use?"
Ron grinned but threw a glance over his shoulder at the others and lowered his
voice even more. "Don't ever tell her but Katie Bell. Flying around naked on a
broomstick. Absolutely gorgeous."
Harry thought about that and felt a little whoozy. Gorgeous, indeed. He reached
out to grab the book and paged through it. "What about this one?"
Ron craned his neck to see the page and grimaced. "Tried it and finited out of
it after two seconds. It was way too Slytherin for my tastes."
Slytherin? Harry frowned. Nothing about the description sounded Slytherin to
him.
The door slammed open and everyone in the dorm leaped to their feet with their
wands held out. But it was just Fred and George.
"YOU! Book thief!" George pointed dramatically at Ron. "You will pay!"
"Accio book!" said Fred and caught the book as it leaped out of Harry's grasp
and flew over to Fred. "Sorry, kiddies, but you're too young and innocent for
this. This is for adults only."
"You're only a year older!" Ron protested and ducked the spell Fred cast.
A full blown prank battle broke out and it took ten minutes before the
Griffindor fifth years managed to drive out the intruders.
Later on at bedtime, Ron winked at Harry, ostentatiously cast a silence charm
and drew his curtains. Harry swallowed nervously and did the same much more
discretely.
Alone in the dark shelter of his bed, Harry shoved his pyjama bottoms down. He
practiced the wand movement while silently mouthing the spell a few times and
then cast at himself.
"Serpenetratus!"
He was startled when his legs went as rigid as petrificus totalus and snapped
apart. The safety pin holding Dudley's old pyjamas up went pinging off
somewhere into the darkness of his bed. He only had a moment to be concerned
about losing it when he realized that his cock was changing.
His mouth dropped as he watched his cock lengthen and stand straight up in the
air, pale and glistening with an oily sheen. When it hit about two feet in
length, it gave a shake and began undulating. The head turned around in a
circle until it stopped momentarily and Harry could have sworn it was looking
at him. Then it looped up and over and dove between his legs.
Harry gasped as it wormed its way between his cheeks and nudged at his
entrance. For a moment he clenched tight in fear but the 'snake' would not be
denied and bumped into him again and again until Harry relaxed enough for it
break through.
For a moment it hurt but then the sensation of heat and tightness around his
cock hit him and it began to move within him. He was fucking himself! And it
felt brilliant.
"Oh, my god," Harry moaned, hands clenched in the sheets. He couldn't move but
the spell was taking care of all the work and all he had to do was lie there
and feel it happening. "Oh, my fucking god!"
                                     * * *
Harry tripping was the only reason the Avada kedavra missed him and probably
hit whoever was behind him in the chaotic crowd. He rolled over into a crouch
and spun around to keep his eye on Voldemort.
Voldemort, who was standing there grinning triumphantly at him. "Getting tired,
Potter? I can keep this up all day. Avada kedavra."
Harry rolled to the side and flattened against the ground, wearily pointing his
wand and frantically running through spells in his mind. Something deadly and
unexpected. He meant to say Sectumsempra but what came out was the spell he'd
rehearsed almost nightly since he'd learned it. "Serpenetratus!"
The spell hit Voldemort in the foot. His legs snapped apart and he lost his
balance, falling backwards hard. Harry had a perfect view up the length of
Voldemort's body as something began to wiggle wildly under the black robes.
Voldemort's head lifted to stare disbelievingly at his crotch and then their
eyes met.
Harry had the maneuverability that Voldemort didn't. He leaped up and aimed a
Bombarda at his head. Voldemort lifted his wand but was too slow. The spell hit
and blood and brains spattered over the battle ground.
Harry gaped at the bloody corpse. That was it? The power he knows not was a
teenager's wanking spell? That's when he realized the spell was still in effect
by the flurry of activity going on. Harry cast a hasty Finite Incantatem before
anyone else noticed. This was not how he wanted to be remembered in the history
books.
                                     * * *
The only one he ever told was Ron after making him swear an unbreakable vow.
Ron laughed until he choked, and then he cried when he realized that his vital
contribution to the defeat of the greatest Dark Lord in history would forever
remain unknown.
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!
